Why won’t my sister play with me?
Why won’t my sister play with me?
We all want to see our children get on with each other, interact and play together. However, when one child seems to be having difficulties interacting, it can be frustrating and even worrying for everyone involved. Of course, siblings can squabble and fall out but when there is a deeper problem, it can become increasingly obvious that help is needed – which is where we come in.
“She was a typical infant ticking off her developmental milestones. ”
Back in 2020, we worked with a Somali family with two very different daughters. The youngest, Yasmin, learnt to talk in Somali very early for her age. Her mother, father, aunties, and uncles spoke to her in their mother tongue at home, so she very quickly picked it up and found it easy to express her likes and dislikes. She was a typical infant ticking off her developmental milestones.
This eagerness from Yasmin to communicate was in stark contrast to her sister, Nadia. Two years Yasmin's senior, Nadia didn’t develop language very quickly at all, she didn’t always understand her mother tongue, and didn’t speak. At nursery, Nadia had struggled even more with the introduction of a second language, English. Her difficulties were significant and continued into the early years of schooling. Nadia was diagnosed with autism at age four. It was a shock to the family, but they could see with the arrival of Yasmin, little miss chatterbox, there was a big gap between their older child and their younger, more neurotypical child.
A young child's complaint
Chatty little Yasmin was eager to play with her older sister. Yasmin wanted to play with dolls and toys and have fun with her older sibling. However, this connection through play just wasn’t happening with Nadia and Yasmin complained that her sister did not want to play with her. This caused her to be constantly frustrated and upset.
As Nadia experienced such delayed speech, when Yasmin attended the same nursery she had, they put the same special measures in place for her. However, by chance, a nursery worker who spoke fluent Somali realised Yasmin's language was perfect. Yasmin was only delayed in English because it was a second language. She demonstrated her ability to understand (receptive language), and be understood (expressive language), in the advanced range in Somali. The nursery removed the special provisions placed for Yasmin and started to advance her in English. She was able to catch up in a short time and started making more friends.
As Yasmin's bilingual skills flourished, the parents made a difficult decision not to speak Somali at home. They felt one language would both help their older child catch up, and help their younger child develop faster in her preschool setting.
Despite now talking only in English at home and at nursery, Nadia still refused to cooperate. The more Yasmin demanded her older sister's attention, the more she withdrew deeper into isolation. Her emotional meltdowns grew ever more prolonged, and her mother was confused about what she should do. Luckily, the school offered Speech & Language Therapy, and both parents thought this would help align language delays.
However, progress was slower than they hoped, so they decided to seek some extra help.
Working with Raviv Practice London
In 2020, just as the lockdown was easing, Nadia and Yasmin's mum sought help from Raviv Practice London. The first thing we worked on was joint attention, which is an important pre-language phase of language learning. For example, when a parent points to a plane in the sky and the child looks up, they both participate in the same thing. They are both joining their attention together on the aircraft.
“I heard her younger sister Yasmin shout out from the sidelines, instructing her older sibling.”
Likewise, when a child learns to talk, they focus on watching a person as they talk, and mimic the movements of the person's mouth and sounds. This observation and mimicking are how children correct their language from approximate sounds to exact sounds, and so perfect how they speak and communicate.
Nadia did not always cooperate. When she was slow in the sessions, I heard her younger sister Yasmin shout out from the sidelines, instructing her older sibling. This was not ideal, but slowly, things started to fall into place.
Emotional regulation
At the start of 2021, Nadia started Working Memory Training. Using an evidence-based solution, Cogmed, we worked through 25 sessions in five weeks. Afterwards, there was a noticeable difference with Nadia. She was more able to hold off her feelings of frustration. I taught Yasmin to be patient with her older sister, and Nadia started to play games where talking was not so critical, like hide-and-seek. This delighted Yasmin because she could now play with her older sister in a suitable way for both children.
Children reflect their emotional landscape, and they pick up the tones and speech patterns of their caregivers. Early in 2022, Yasmin and Nadia's mum undertook a programme for emotional regulation called the Safe and Sound protocol via proxy. This was a long and slow journey, but by the end of the program, their mum learned how to calm herself more when she felt overwhelmed.
Feeling safe to talk and communicate
The process of family unification has been complex, and we are still working towards more progress. However, the results so far have been very positive, and we believe it is so important that therapy work only ever goes at the pace of the child's capabilities.
At Raviv Practice London, we listen to the parent and try to understand how one child with autism can affect the whole family dynamics. We aim to look not just at how to address any challenges the child is facing, but also how the impact of a diagnosis affects parents and siblings too. Our goal is to work with them to bring everyone together so harmony can be at its optimum level most of the time.
Would you and your family benefit from what we can offer? Or maybe you would just like to talk to someone about your concerns and see if any help is available? If so, please do contact us at any time. We are always here to listen and support you.
Dyslexia? Dyspraxia? ADHD? ASD? Speech & Language? Developmental Delay? Anxiety?
Is every school day a struggle? As a parent, you may feel exhausted and on this journey alone. Each year you see the gap getting wider. You need to do something - change the approach, help your child learn for themselves, find a way to turn this around - to help while you can - do this NOW. the first step is free.
About the Author
Usha Patel is a Neurocognitive Therapist and Director at Raviv Practice London. Parents searching to help their suspected/neurodiverse child can get evidence-based solutions with results in as little as 8 weeks. Those in search of jargon-free help can get started straight away.
