Are you worried about how your child will do in their SATs or 11+?
Are you worried about how your child will do in their SATs or 11+?
Believe me, you’re not the only one! Exams can be an extremely stressful time for both children and parents. So, why it is that every time you see your child, they are staring at their phone? Surely, they should be revising!
“When someone feels anxious or nervous about exam preparation they can put off work because they think avoiding it will make it go away.”
Anytime you try to gently remind them what they should be doing, they get agitated and defensive and even try to justify their behaviour. It’s no good; they know you are onto them and feel bad, but this is not what you want. You want them to fast forward time and think how their future self will be annoyed. As a parent, you feel a sense of deadlock, and the whole topic of revision is something you need to tiptoe around.
So, what is happening in their minds, and what can you do to help?
Understanding Anxiety
When someone feels anxious or nervous about exam preparation, they can put off work because they think avoiding it will make it go away. They think they can start the task of revision tomorrow. It may even be that they fear doing badly so they stop thinking about it all together. You might notice that negative self-talk and the feelings of gloominess happen more frequently.
Start by Talking
Talking to your child should not be put off. They may need comforting, and certainly they will need reassurance and have their feelings validated. The first step is to show you understand and know they are scared, frightened, worried, and nervous. Feeling heard and understood can help your child move away from defensive behaviour and acknowledge you are one hundred percent on their side.
Practical tips:
Remind them that being successful is familiar territory, when they did well for a test or exam. This puts a perspective on their worst fears and provides evidence of past success. The more evidence you have, the more they must agree that they are not doomed for failure.
That feeling bad about ourselves often happens when we do not align ourselves with our intentions. Knowing you have something important to do, and then failing to do it, makes you feel bad, right? Reassure them that if they do even a small amount, they will feel better about themselves than they would if they did nothing at all.
Help them schedule their work. Revision is a significant project; without experience, they cannot plan this alone. So, help them plan what is needed.
Be specific. There are 1440 minutes* in the day. By directing your child to do the most important things first, and that they have limited time. Planning the day the night before is especially effective as they will go to sleep thinking about the work they have committed to, which is something that seems to really help in moving things forward.
“ Your child may feel they need to be alone - they stop talking and there is a grey cloud above their head that never seems to shift.”
It’s Not All About Work
Dr Stephen Porges talks about lowering our stress by engaging in the social engagement system. When your child starts to engage with others, or just spends time being around others and listening, they can stop feeling alone. The natural response is to engage in the conversation, and this helps them see themselves as one part of bigger network. Feeling relaxed is the key to any learning experience, including revision. So having some proper downtime is a significant boost to overall productivity.
When Shut-Down Happens
Sometimes the practical solutions do not work. Your child may feel they need to be alone - they stop talking and there is a grey cloud above their head that never seems to shift. These shutdowns often turn to tears and inconsolable distress. No amount of evidence or downtime seems to be working, and they are routinely too overwhelmed to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
This state is known as dorsal shut down. The only way to help them is to engage in deep therapy, such as the Safe And Sound protocol. This is an acoustic vagal stimulation which offers an alternative to feeling fear and danger. When a child feels so overwhelmed that they feel a sense of threat and doom, they need to consider something that recalibrates the signs of danger and makes innocuous events less of a life-threatening situation.
Helping children with possible mental health issues is never easy. However, the Safe And Sound program is evidence-based, so it has been proven time and time again to help children with these problems. If your child is facing any of these issues, it could be exactly what they need to help and return them back to their former cheery selves.
Dyslexia? Dyspraxia? ADHD? ASD? Speech & Language? Developmental Delay? Anxiety?
Is every school day a struggle? As a parent, you may feel exhausted and on this journey alone. Each year you see the gap getting wider. You need to do something - change the approach, help your child learn for themselves, find a way to turn this around - to help while you can - do this NOW. the first step is free.
About the Author
Usha Patel is a Neurocognitive Therapist and Director at Raviv Practice London. Parents searching to help their suspected/neurodiverse child can get evidence-based solutions with results in as little as 8 weeks. Those in search of jargon-free help can get started straight away.
